I had a conversation with my son Ben (he is five) that kept me up half the night. Before I share the conversation I should give a little background on Ben. Ben is Beautiful. He has huge brown eyes and lashes that go for ever. He will have no problem with the ladies when he is older. He has had my heart from day one. To be honest he has had my heart long before day one.
When he is happy joy radiates out of him. When he is sad it breaks your heart and when he is angry he is like a tornado. He is an unstoppable force of nature. Nothing is better than the joy that radiates from Ben when he is happy but he is not always happy. He tends to go with his emotions and his emotions change from one minute to the next. He also tends to be over dramatic about everything. Ben can do nothing small. Ben can also be the sweetest kid on the planet. Yesterday he stopped in a field on his way up from the bus and picked an arm full of wild flowers for me. I love Ben dearly, but sometimes his emotions get the better of him. Yesterday afternoon I asked him to Clean and it was more than he could handle. He became very upset and threw a tantrum. After the tantrum he was sad and we had the conversation that kept me up all night. :
He said, that he didn't believe in God and that he thought God was Dead. He also said, that he thought I was stupid to believe in god because I can't even see him. He continued on to says he doesn't like Earth and he is not happy here. (Ben often says things to get a rise out of people but this hit me like a brick). I let him know that I believe that there is a god and that it is ok if he chooses not to believe in the same things as me. I told him that me and daddy would really like him to believe in god, but that we would love him no mater what he believed. I also let him know that just because he chooses not to believe something doesn't mean that it is not true. I told him that he has a right to make his own choices and to choose his own beliefs.
As a laid awake thinking about my son. I thought about my own beliefs. I have always believed that there was something more than this life. I have always believed in something greater, someone greater in some greater plan. I don't remember ever questioning my faith. I just always had it. My older son Nate is the same way. He has always had faith and has always been in tune with his own sense of spirituality. He has never questioned he has always just believed. I guess I have always known that I would have a conversation with Ben about his faith at some point. I just didn't think it would be when he was five. What do you say to a five year old who says, that he thinks God is dead and that you are stupid for believing in things you can not see. I feel good about the things I said to him but I am haunted by the questions.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Thoughts on Ben
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3 comments:
Oh Han Hey, how tough. Good answers you gave him! Where did he get the idea that God is dead? Does he believe there once was a God and now there isn't? Has he tried talking to God and has felt like he hasn't gotten an answer- hasn't been heard? It just seems interesting phrasing if you mean you don't think God exists.
And you might remind him that he believes in plenty of things he can't see. Does he believe in Mars? He can't see it, and even if he looks through a telescope, maybe what he's looking at is some light somewhere, not another planet.
Anyway, good luck, I know you'll find the right things to say to follow up. Love you!
wow - that's a lot to process, and I'm not even his Mother. I guess I am a lot like you, in that I haven't doubted that I do have a loving Heavenly Father and I have always known that He exists - so what to do with a son who, even at the tender age of five, doesn't feel the same way? Good question! The only thought that comes to mind is that Ben will have his own path to conversion, and maybe he needs to be older when he comes to really know of God's love for him. For whatever reason...
And I also feel strongly that we knew, before coming to this earth, the ways that our parents would serve and teach us, and Ben and all your boys have you and Darin as parents for reasons too numerous to count - they will rely on your confidence and testimony, when they are still gaining their own and afterwards also.
this is turning into a bit of a novel, but your post got me thinking. Can you believe that we are the moms of a family and supposed to know what we are doing in raising these beautiful & amazing children? It regularly blows my mind.... Have I told you that I am so happy to be back in touch???
A little more on Ben. I think spiritual things just don't come easily to Ben. He has faith he just also has questions. When he said, god was dead I think he was referring to the crucifixion. That god had died. He has problems understanding the concept of resurrection. HE believes that he lived in heaven before he came here. He is just unsure about the afterlife. He also usually enjoys church. He complains before church that he doesn't like it and that he thinks it is boring. That’s just Ben everything is a fight nothing is easy. Last year Ben prayed three times a day for a little sister for about six months. He was heart broken when we told him Nicolas would be a girl, although he might not have been as heart broken as me. Now Ben loves Nicolas they are best buds. Ben had a writing assessment at school last week. They needed to write about what they wanted to be when the grow up. He wrote that he wanted to be a missionary. His teacher called me at the beginning of the school year to ask if we were LDS. Ben was apparently teaching his class mates the words to I am a child of god and follow the prophet. As far as I know my boys are the only active members at there school of 600+. I guess the bottom line is that we all navigate faith differently. I spoke to my mom about this experience and she said that she has seen Ben's spirituality. That I just need to help him recognize it in himself and in the world around him. She said that this is just one of many similar conversations that I will have with my children through out their lives. That I will probably have this conversation with each of my children. Great something to look forward too! (Aren’t mom’s the BEST)
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