Monday, June 30, 2008

Thoughts on playing

(I can't believe I have not posted since Mother's day). I find that I post more often when I am trying to procrastinate work. Having the older boys home also gives me less time to write. Everything feels like a chore with all four of the boys home. Doing errands is a complete joke.

I have been worrying recently that I don't do enough fun things with the boys. It feels like I am always asking them to clean or just plain listen. I worry that I am not helping to create enough fun experiences. That we are not making enough memories. I get so caught up in everything that I am trying to get done that I rarely do anything meaningful with the boys. I rarely make the time to play on their level.

I don't really remember my parents playing with me. I remember them reading to me. Talking with me listening to me. I remember them making time for me. Driving me every where. Being a part of my life and letting me be a part of their lives. I remember vacations. I don't know that I remember allot of "play". I played with my brother's all the time. I don't remember playing with my parents.

As a kid I always admired the families that played together. The families that may have had less than my family but made each day their own. Made each day special and unique. Darin plays with the boys. I find it hard to play and create real learning opportunities. This is sort of a stupid thing to worry about. Sometimes I worry that their memories of me as adults will be of a mom who was always nagging always trying to get them to do something.

Being a parent is so much harder than I would have ever guessed.I never thought that being a parent would be an Easy thing. I guess I though that there would be hard moments, hard periods, hard days. I didn't realize that those moments would happen so often. As a teacher it is easy to judge peoples parenting styles and to judge their children's behavior. It sorta comes with the job. But being a parent is much harder than it looks and so much harder than being a teacher. At least for me.

I guess my main concern is that my children will not have strong memories to build on when they have their own families. That they will only hold on to the negative memories and not remember the positive. That I don't spend enough time making memories with them that will last. It probably sounds dumb. It feels like there is so little time in the day and they are growing so fast.

I know that it is just a matter of prioritising my life to take the time to make each day my own. I guess I worry about this in all my relationships. That I don't give enough of myself. That I don't give enough time to make the lasting memories. I know I don't give Darin the time that he deserves.

What do we really remember? What determines what we remember? It is so unique for everyone. Can I control what my children remember? Can I sensor there experiences. I guess it would be very naive to assume that I could. I guess the best I can do is help them to create more meaningful memories. Then hopefully the good will out way the bad. I am doing so much and have myself spread so thin that I worry that if I give more of myself I will fall apart. Crazy Huh!

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